Pornhub Outbids ESPN, Hires Peyton Manning As New Pump-By-Pump Announcer
The Worldwide Leader in Sports proved no match for The World’s Leading Pornsite as Pornhub secured the services of Hall-of-Fame Quarterback Peyton Manning in a bidding war with ESPN.
Feras Antoon, CEO of Mindgeek, which owns and operates Pornhub, could barely contain his excitement in landing the two-time Super Bowl Winner.
“He has one of the best porn minds I’ve ever seen,” says Antoon. “He can identify a Pornstar just by the form, trajectory, and placement of their money shot. Truly a singular talent in smut.”
This, no doubt, is a result of Manning’s now-legendary film study habits. “I haven’t seen him this excited since his playing days,” says Manning’s wife, Ashley. “Sometimes he’ll spend the entire night locked away in the basement with his laptop.”
When he’s not studying fuck tape, Manning has his head buried in the Kama Sutra, intent on maintaining his grasp and recall speed of sex terminology.
Pornhub Vice President, Corey Price, noted the recent decline in professional sports has led to an increase in fans turning to Pornhub to fill the void. Price expects the Peyton Manning signing to go a long way in retaining these newly acquired users. Also, more stepmom-getting-plowed-by-her-stepson porn.
“We knew we wanted to land a big name,” says Price, “But we also needed an announcer who had the ability to call all types of scenarios, from Milfs to Barely Legals, Amateur matches to the big money Vixen and Brazzer events.”
In the booth, Manning is said to exude his trademark calm under pressure that made him such an effective pocket passer. “He’s never overwhelmed by sudden gangbangs or ass play,” says Price.
In addition to announcing, Manning will host a weekly series where he’ll provide a detailed analysis of Pornhub’s most popular scenes. Reviews from early test screenings have been largely positive with one critic saying, “I’ve watched porn for years, but never truly understood its intricacies until now. This shit's kinda fucked!”
Still many, including ESPN President James Pitaro, were stunned by Manning’s decision to turn down the highly sought-after Monday Night Football Co-Anchor position to join Pornhub.
“After years of working with the NFL and Papa John’s Pizza,” says Manning, “it’ll be nice to finally have my name associated with a well-respected, wholesome organization. Wait. They did what?”
