Three Fourth Graders Sneak Into A Movie In A Dingyun Zhang Puffer

CASTOR GARDENS, PA—Yesterday, three preteen hypebeasts snuck into a showing of the A24 movie, “Lamb.” Kaylin Grady, Tim Skylark, and July Feathersworth III successfully—and illegally—viewed the horror flick and said it was "just okay." They were subsequently caught when Tim fell at the concession stand on their way out, revealing that they were standing on each other’s shoulders in a Dingyun puffer jacket.

A security officer at the Roosevelt Mall AMC recounted the events.

Popcorn was strewn about as the Vlone-adorned kids picked themselves up off the ground. Grady screamed: “There’s margarine and sprite on my fucking jacket! Do you know how much my dad paid for this? Fall 2020 Season. 8,000 dollars, dickface.”

The three children began to wrestle in the lobby. The theater employees, who were not much older than the trio, tried to pull Grady off the other two but to no avail.

Eventually, the kids were taken to the mall security post. It was there they started to shift the blame on each other.

“That movie was mad corny," said Feathersworth to Grady. "We should have just seen Dune. Tim Chalamet is so fucking cute. But, you wanted to watch a Lamb-dude shoot some hill-person in the face. A24 is OD now.”

“Fuck you," responded Kaylin. "You don't know anything about movies. It’s called a metaphor. You’re just mad we couldn’t hide in your $36 H&M jean jacket."

Grady’s father Frank made a scene when he arrived to pick up the troublesome triad. He walked up to the security post smoking a cigar, which he crushed under his Dior slips. He offered a slew of insults to the security and AMC staff.

“Since when are we detaining children for sneaking into a movie? This is kid shit. It’s what I did. You’re all damned disgraceful,” Frank said. 

“Dad, can you just take us home, like, fuck,” his daughter interjected. 

“I swear to Christ that you’re gonna start showing some respect," he responded. "I paid for that jacket and you ruined it. ‘Please, Dad! He worked for Yeezy. I’ve got to get one.’ Let’s go. All three of you in the car. Now. Good lord.”