The Mall Goth Added To Endangered Species List
TAMPA, FL—Just 20 years ago, it was a common occurrence to sight a healthy herd of Mall Goths at the local Hot Topic or Spencer Gifts. But due to habitat destruction, the Mall Goth (homo consumptor gothic) has officially been declared an endangered species. Mattie Haynes, a spokesperson for the IUCN, had this to say in a press conference:
“It is with a heavy heart that I announce the addition of three new species to the Endangered Species List. Sphagnum Moss, the Northern Pool Frog, and the Mall Goth. Substantial efforts are being made to revive these species, but we need your help now more than ever.”
The IUCN saw numbers start to decline in the mid-2000s, and have all but died out as of the 2010s. Scientists have seen a small population increase in recent years—mainly due to TikTok raising awareness of the goth Animalia—but the fate of the Mall Goth is still grim.
“To lose such a beautiful species would be devastating,” Mattie Haynes continued. “The Mall Goth is often misunderstood because of their solitary nature and their trip pants. They are a herd animal, but rarely interact with other species in common watering hole spots such as the food court unless there's like a weird Sbarro in the corner or something.”
And to what do we attribute the decline in population? Well, the answer, according to zoologists and Tim Burton experts, lies in the "mall" subsect of the phylogeny.
“The devastating habitat loss is clear. As malls across America are being bulldozed, species such as the Mall Goth, Indie Girls, and even Obnoxious Post-Rehearsal Theatre Kids are declining. The fact that the e-goth species—a close descendent to the mall goths—is actually increasing in population is further evidence of the role habit destruction plays in extinction. We are working on reintroduction efforts to spaces such as grocery stores, but so far we’ve had limited success as most grocery stores refuse to carry old Slipknot merchandise."
