Cockroach Community Dismayed To Learn College Student Moving In, Say Food Quality Will Plummet

WINSTON-SALEM, NC—It all seemed like a routine move. The previous tenants had left, and a new family was sure to arrive. But residents of the Ardmore Community Apartments were disappointed to find out that a college student would soon be establishing residency. Chairroach of the local cockroach community of unit 2B, Grimes (no relation), addressed the issue at their quarterly council meeting underneath the kitchen sink.

“I know this comes as a shock to us all, especially after living with a Whole Foods soccer mom for so long," said Grimes. "But we are a strong clan and we will adjust to even the most severe circumstances—including the horrific diet of a male, college sophomore."

The crowd erupted in applause and everyone scattered in different directions when they heard a noise.

“At first glance, it might seem great for us," Grimey told us in a sit-down interview as he stood still on a bread end we left on the counter. "Dishes left unwashed in the sink for days, maybe weeks, various crumbs and food bits under all furniture, stains galore. We will have plenty to sustain us, sure, but college students also bring problems. For one, the quality of food is dismal. We have to prepare mentally for Natty Ice puddles and Hamburger Helper. Lots of Hamburger Helper."

We interviewed locals to get their take on the dire situation.

“I’m a mother of 150 children," explained Stench, speaking to us briefly from behind the couch. "So yes, this does scare me a bit. We used to have half-eaten HelloFresh meals. Now, we'll be lucky to score some DiGiorno if the new tenant finds $10 in his basketball shorts."

“Everyone’s too picky,” said Slime, a 2-day-old newcomer. “Give me some cardboard, I’m good. We literally eat shit.”