Proof Of Vaccination Now Required To Enter The Matrix

THE MATRIX—To save money on travel, many families are ditching the traditional vacation to Disney and opting instead for a virtual vacation to a dystopian hellscape where Keanu Reeves is a literal god. Although this bump in tourism has stimulated the fake economy of the Matrix, it has caused a massive spike in those testing positive for COVID-19.PNG: a virus that began spreading throughout The Matrix in 2019 after Neo Anderson opened up an email with the subject line: “Natural Male Enhancement! Grow Inches Fast!”

As a result of this spike, Agent Smith has issued a new mandate requiring that all individuals who wish to enter the Matrix be fully vaccinated. This mandate applies regardless of whether they are the Chosen One, a sentient machine, or that weird black cat program that glitched a lot in the first movie. Formerly, the Matrix mandated that only people entering from other dystopian hellscapes were required to have the vaccine, such as those entering from the Oasis from Ready Player One, or Mark Zuckerberg’s house. But with the new mandate, the vaccine is mandatory for all.

This new mandate has come about at the recommendation of Agent Smith’s Chief Medical Advisor, Dr. Mario. The labcoat-clad Italian—often criticized as being a "pill pusher" and partially responsible for the opioid crisis— has been a polarizing figure in the public eye ever since he was appointed. Many Matrix locals insist that as a non-native to the Matrix, he is unfit for such an important role, and others question his qualifications altogether. Even the Oracle herself spoke out against him:

“This guy’s a quack! He doesn’t even have a medical degree! He’s just a puppet for pharmaceutical companies!" she explained, as she bent spoons with her mind. "I mean, his brother lives in a mansion where he hunts ghosts! How do you think he got that mansion money? Big pharma, that’s how! We should be calling him Dr. Sackler.”

And while Dr. Mario indeed holds some unorthodox medical beliefs, such as the belief that one can double their body mass simply by eating a mushroom, he is inarguably the most experienced doctor for treating viruses of the virtual world—aside from maybe Professor Oak.

In a recent speech regarding the KEANU-19, Dr. Mario stated:

“I have-ah found that unlike any other virus I’ve-ah encountered, throwing cartoonishly large pills at this virus is-ah not enough," explained Dr. Mario at the most recent press conference. "I-ah highly encourage all residents and visitors to the Matrix to get-ah vaccinated, as this is our best-ah line of defense-ah.”

The Norton Antivirus and McAfee vaccines have proven highly effective in combating the spread of the virus, with an efficacy rate of up to 95%. But despite these numbers, there’s still a lot of reluctance to the vaccine. Many people are cautious with what they are willing to inject into their virtual avatars. Some believe there’s no need for the vaccine because they can easily dodge the virus via bending backward in hyper slow motion. Others are fearful of the side effects, particularly from the McAffee vaccine, which in some excessively infrequent cases resulted in a loss of ability to perform gravity-defying jiu-jitsu.

Usually, Matrix residents try to justify this fear by referencing the notorious side effects of the red pill.

“Look, Morpheus assured me that the pill was totally safe, but as soon as I took it, I turned into a complete incel and forgot everything I knew about women!" said one Matrix local. "I even referred to myself as an 'alpha.' Alex Jones started to make sense! Morpheus told me this pill was supposed to allow me to enter the Matrix, not turn me into some neckbeard!"

Some former Matrix visitors are so adamantly against the vaccine mandate that they choose to virtually vacation elsewhere, such as in the  Inception dreamscape. However, it’s a bit more dangerous than the Matrix because bullets tend to fly at tourists at normal speed, and buildings tend to rotate like a kaleidoscope without warning. Also, people often wake up in a cold bath.