Scientists Discover Your Carpet Still Nasty As Hell Even Though You Make A Big Deal About People Taking Their Shoes Off

LOS ANGELES, CA—Over the past year, many epidemiologists have been consumed with tracking the COVID-19 pandemic. However, a small band of USC researchers still found time to study that carpet that you insist you're still “trying to keep nice.”

The study on your carpet was supposed to last for ten years, but the principal investigator, Dr. Meredith Hamill, decided to end the study prematurely after several research assistants reported not being able to tell what the original color of the carpet was.

“We were always asked to take our shoes off when we entered the house to keep the carpet clean. But after a few minutes, the bottoms of our socks were filthy… often covered in dirt, pet hair, or even nail clippings. It didn’t make any sense,” reported Hamill, brushing off her socks before putting her shoes back on.

The original project was funded—according to those close to the work—to investigate why you make a big fucking deal anytime someone walks five inches into your Van Nuys apartment without removing their shoes like it’s the end of the world, yet, somehow your carpet smells like a thousand cats pissed into a litter box made with rotting fish shit.

The research team also investigated if your landlord was a scumbag who never replaced your carpets when you moved in. They were surprised to find that your carpet is only five months old and you live alone with no pets. The scientific community was shocked by the staggering evidence. All work immediately ceased to protect the health of the researchers.

Had the study continued, the researchers would have also been able to test their hypotheses about whether you have a working vacuum or if you even know what the hell carpet cleaner is.

At the time of publishing, it is still unknown what caused that stain that you are attempting to cover with your couch.