Report: No, They’re Still Not Washing Their Legs

Report: No, They’re Still Not Washing Their Legs

A recent report shows that no, white people are still not washing their legs. A few weeks ago, dozens of stray whites crawled out of the woodwork to share on Twitter that they merely rinsed their legs in the shower, instead of taking the .02 extra seconds to rub their grimey ass skin with soap. Though they were widely and vigorously shamed online, the majority of whites have decided to continue being filthy. 

The research was conducted by Johns Hopkins University professor Zainab Thomas, who found that 83% of white people have never washed their legs and 17% of them are lying about it. 

“We did a lot of research, but it turns out there is a simple reason for it—they’re just nasty,” said Thomas. “Personally, this is the most devastating thing I’ve learned about white culture in my decades in academia. And I’ve seen my colleague’s trail mix YouTube tutorial.” 

In a move that made POC everywhere fake-gasp, white people have decided they don’t care. 

“I just don’t see the need to wash my legs,” said Claire Brandet, who quit her job as a marketing assistant to jump on her bed with shoes on full-time. “Everyone knows legs don’t get dirty, and besides, I already shower like twice a week.” 

Fortunately, the findings hypothesized that white people may have the capacity to feel shame in the year 4000. Until then, experts recommend holding your nose at Whole Foods.

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