Op-Ed: I Stand Against Cops Unless The Cop is Exceedingly Good Looking

As an American citizen, I must stand up for what is right and be educated on political issues-which is why I stand against cops unless the cop is exceedingly good looking.

We are living in a turbulent time in our history: a pandemic, protests, our economy collapsing and the Chicks making music again. I know this because I follow the news through Twitter and read some really scary tweets by accident while drunk on sparkling wine about everything going on in the world. Things are very freaky right now and that’s why I know my country needs me to stand up against police brutality, but also I’m just a girl, and some of those cops are just brutally... hot.

As a white woman, I want to check my “privilege.” Like I can walk into a store and like order a low cal Strawberry Mocha Frappuccino! A black person can’t even do that! And that’s so upsetting! Or maybe they can… I kinda forgot what privilege means but maybe it’ll come back to me. But yeah, police brutality against black people is an awful thing and I will not stand for it, unless the cop has like really pretty green eyes ‘cause those are kind of my thing.

I take the BLM movement really seriously and even did a three-paragraph long Facebook post about why I am anti-cop and also how all this feels to me as a white woman and also the fact that I’m single (so surprising right??). I very much hope that any cop who hurts our society will be fired, and I really do stand against them unless they look even vaguely like Channing Tatum.

Sometimes I’ll space out and think about like getting in trouble for something cute like running a red light and then this tall dreamy brunette cop with piercing green eyes and a light Irish accent says, “Good Day Lassy! You ran a red light and now I have to punish you.” And then he like takes me out of the car and spanks me and then for some reason it starts raining and his cop uniform is all wet and... wait, what was I talking about?

I am infuriated by the bad apple cops who are so quick to attack black people for doing nothing wrong. I hope through inspirational selfies of me in a sequin bikini on a good-looking body of water looking slightly sad with the caption “I have heard of BLM”, I too can make a difference. I also pledge to donate $5 or less to BLM causes (What? I on a budget! I'm saving for my Bali trip! :p).

I promise to continue to speak out against this issue and be on the right side of history unless the cop is hot and single and potentially interested in me because then I’m sorry I might just get too horny to remember politics exist.