COVID Lingers, Threats Escalate From Women Whose Whole Personality Is Halloween
SALEM, MASS—COVID-19 cases are increasing daily, and with summer ending, there’s nothing but bad omens for popular fall activities — especially Halloween.
No one feels this danger more than the factions of women who have devoted their personal aesthetic to keeping Halloween alive on the 365. As the likelihood grows that their celebrations could be canceled, so does their rage.
“Bogus holidays like the Fourth of July can get bent,” snapped Lola Fuentes, found having a tea party in a cemetery alone. “Halloween is non-negotiable. If you think I’m going to let some selfish anti-maskers stop me from communing with the dead, you’ve got another thing coming. Namely, two dozen eggs to your windshield.”
“How the hell am I supposed to scare anyone from six feet away?” said Kristen Price, holding three bottles of stage blood, a vampire succulent planter, and several skeletal fish from Target’s Halloween aisle. “I’m struggling to find the best way forward. Right now I’m beta-testing a haunted house concept called ‘Curbside Creeps’ where I just send clowns with chainsaws to people’s houses.”
A faraway look crossed Price’s face for a moment, and then she continued. “As you can guess, there have been...complications.”
The bone-chilling idea of Halloween being canceled has prompted women to take action.
“We’re doing everything we can,” said local coven leader Willow Nightflower, watching her fellow witches cast a midnight binding spell to keep people “in their stupid houses.”
“Pumpkin patches, ghost tours, seances to contact Beelzebub, Prince of Demons — they’re all group activities, you know?” continued Nightflower. “Our city barely lets us go to the beach.”
EDITOR’S NOTE: Nightflower then asked our investigative team for locks of their hair, and the interview was promptly concluded.
“Personally? I am going to flip a shit,” winced Veronica Frank while getting a life-sized Ouija board tattooed across her chest. “If Halloween gets canned, there’s going to be a backlash. My friends and I are already planning to clean out the gourd sections of every Michael’s in the tri-state area. If we see you maskless in October, prepare to get a goddamn gourd to the face.”
Not all women of the community are overly concerned, though.
“Halloween can’t be canceled, sillies! Halloween is a state of mind,” says Marianne Welsh, drinking Starbucks pumpkin spice syrup raw.
“Every time I put on my Hocus Pocus socks, drink apple cider in a pumpkin mug and play a little ‘Monster Mash,’ boom! It’s Halloween,” Welsh smiled. After a short moment of reflection, she added, “But if there are no parties to show off the costume I spent six months putting together, I might set an American flag on fire on Facebook Live.”
This will most likely not be the last outrage seen in 2020 over canceled holidays. At this time, though, the faction of women whose whole personality is Christmas could not be reached for comment.
