Op-Ed: All Healthcare Workers Deserve Praise And Higher Pay Except My Ex-Girlfriend, That Bitch

As we enter a brutal winter with little governmental assistance, my heart goes out to our amazing and courageous healthcare workers. Every single one of them deserves the highest praise and raises imaginable except, of course, Dr. Sarah Khan.

According to Zocdoc, Sarah has five stars and impeccable reviews (lol ok...) from the countless men and women who credit her for saving their lives. However, these reviews do not factor in that Sarah selfishly broke up with me a few weeks ago and has completely shattered my heart, an act that should be considered a violation of her duties as a surgeon.

Sure, Sarah is one of the youngest and most successful doctors who has allegedly “pioneered a new breakthrough treatment for coronavirus,” but, what you don’t realize is that in June, Sarah told me that I was “unmotivated, uncaring, and a burden.” What kind of pioneer uses lame insults to break up with her partner?

For the first few weeks after our breakup, I couldn’t stand the clapping and honking that would take place at 7 pm because it brought me too much pain that people were clapping for a woman who once refused to stay up all night for a Wes Craven movie marathon because she hadn’t “slept” in days. A cruel woman, who would get angry when I would bang pots and pans when she came home after her 15-hour shift because I wanted to show her how much I care. I’d even leave those pans and pots out so she can cook herself a nice meal.

I have gone back to clapping and putting up signs in support of everyone working around the clock to save our lives. However, I find it important to make sure everyone knows that Sarah isn’t the doctor that Forbes once listed as “pure brilliance in the field of medicine.” This is why every day at 7 pm I yell, “Thank you to our brilliant doctors, except Dr. Sarah Khan who works at Brooklyn Hospital and is kind of a bitch, to be honest!”

I also have decorated my lawn with signs that say, ‘Thank You, Doctors and Nurses! Except for Dr. Sarah Khan. She sux lol.’ I have even donated collected used masks and leftover sanitizer bottles and donated them to various hospitals, a move that Sarah once called, “fucking stupid.”

I am proud to say that I am and will continue to be one of the most supportive people when it comes to making sure our healthcare workers get the equipment, praise, and pay they deserve and I truly believe that the world and our overall healthcare system would be better if Sarah didn’t get any of it.