Oh, Shit: The Pandemic! Last-Minute Romantic Holiday Gift Guide Now That I Just Remembered Sex Is Off The Table, I Guess
The holidays are here and despite your mom’s criticisms suggesting that it would never happen, here you are with someone to spend it with... well sort of!
Sure, you met them on a dating app during a pandemic, but hey: they say distance makes the heart grow fonder and your relationship is the living embodiment. But seriously, how did this last this long? It was an apocalyptic year with like three Mercury retrogrades or some shit. You should’ve screwed it up by now. I mean, you’re not complaining but this stage of the game you weren’t expecting.
Shake it off. Either way, it’s time to get them a gift and more importantly: laud to everyone on the internet how you won’t be dying alone and they certainly will. Thanks to the stupid pandemic, you can’t just offer sex as your present (which is totally not an inconsiderate and tacky gift). But fret not, we here at Flexx have been paying attention this whole year and have the perfect gift guide to get you through this crucial time in your developing relationship.
NUDES
Sure, you can’t sleep together because of Corona-19 but if they can’t have the cow, why not give them a picture of milk? If you really want to get fancy with it: make a slideshow and set it to the score of the song that was playing in that movie you guys kind of watched on Netflix Party until his internet kept breaking up from using the Wi-Fi for both Netflix and Zoom. Just remember the key to any successful nude shoot is to find your lighting, the best angles look down, and encrypt that shit to high heavens.
ZOOM SUBSCRIPTION
Haven’t you gotten tired of having your video chats in 40-minute intervals? Well for just $15/month you can treat yourself and the one you love (or like just kind of vibe with at the moment) to unfettered and unlimited views of each other in subpar lighting in apartments that are devastatingly underdeveloped for people your age. I mean sure you could spring to get them an iPhone so you can just FaceTime each other but, like, I don’t see a ring on your finger tho.
BOOK
Literally any book. It doesn’t matter which…but maybe Infinite Jest? And it doesn’t matter that you don’t read, they don’t know that yet! Books say, “I’m smart and you may not deserve me so work a little harder” and it’s good to get that message out at the beginning of the relationship so you don’t have to spend the next 3-5 years passive-aggressively resenting them for not knowing it.
A CAMEO FROM A D-LIST CELEB
It’s totally lame if you do it for yourself but let’s be honest, you’re obsessed with Karen Huger from the Real Housewives of Potomac and you’d love nothing more than to see her wish anyone you know any form of holiday salutations. It doesn’t matter if your partner isn’t a fan of the Grande Dame (how could that even be possible?), this is sort of a “gag gift” that lets them know you’re quirky with a weird sense of humor and that life with you is going to be like any film where Zooey Deschanel or LaKeith Stanfield is the romantic lead.
THAT BLICK GIFT CARD YOUR AUNT JACKIE SENDS YOU EVERY YEAR
You drew her one thing in sleepaway camp the summer before 7th grade and she just refuses to know anything else about you. Like the fact that you just barely—I mean, it was touch-and-go there for a while—have a whole degree in international economics with a concentration on developing nations. Yeah, Aunt Jackie sucks! But that $150 Blick gift card could be the perfect catalyst to unlock the inner artist in your new bae.
A PROMO CODE TO YOUR FAVORITE LINGERIE BRAND
Corona may have ruined your totally awesome sex gift for now but that won’t always be the case. When you and your bae have vaccinated and alienated for the appropriate amount of time for two waves of herd immunity to exist, it’s going to be time to get it on! And what better way to commemorate the occasion with a discounted Fenty bra set or Versace lace boxers that your partnered hand-picked over 8 months ago in the hopes of getting to rip them off of you. It’s as neurotic as it is erotic and that’s a lethal combination.
SHEET MASKS FROM THE KOREAN BEAUTY SUPPLY STORE
You’d never mention this to them because you like them so much but their T-Zone is fucked! And while it’s totally not a big deal, every time you Zoom and see the developing constellation of blackheads on their face you secretly want to die. You’re totally invested in this remote relationship, but do you have the courage to take Crater Face out into the real world? I didn’t think so. Let’s make weekly spa days with the new mask you got them and then introduce other skincare elements along the way.
A PACK OF BONNETS / DU-RAGS
It’s a little concerning that they haven’t invested in silk sheets but that sounds like a gift from a spouse and not a partner which is what you are. So how about a fresh pack of luscious silky bonnets and or du-rags? Because nothing says love (or like) like 360 waves and laid edges.
A RAPID COVID TEST
Let’s be honest. Sex is a GOAT tier gift and you were never going to top it with anything on this list. Just pay the fee and get rapid COVID tests for you and bae. Face it: you want to have sex as badly as they want to receive and this way you can do it guilt-free... expect for like the normal guilt that comes with general fucking. Have fun!
