Pro-Tip: Protect From COVID By Threatening Your Holiday Family Gathering With These Vegan Dishes
Being vegan is all about caring about the planet, the animals that inhabit it, and most importantly: annoying and undermining the shit out of your meat-eating family.
Given the pandemic this year, families all over the country are still tempting to gather in large groups outside their households. Now is the time for vegans to spring into action and stick their noses where they weren’t asked to and offer all the weird dishes that could easily prevent families from gathering, for their own good. Vegans to the rescue!
Kale. This is for families who are The American Family Sitcom. A guaranteed “KALE???” will be shouted in poor comedic timing or your money back.
Ambrosia (gelatin free, of course!). For families with grannies that smoke cigarettes and talk about Dusty Springfield.
Smoked Watermelon. For the new-age family that thinks they are “open to everything” and are far, far too kind. Smoke that melon.
Peanut Butter Cookies. For families with infants less than 6 months old or if they're just generally immature.
Avocado Toast. For the families that like to blame millennials for destroying the department store industry and the McDonald’s Chicken Selects.
Salad. For the families looking to indulge and stress-eat. For an added perk: just throw some lettuce in a bowl and serve it and see how mad they get.
Quinoa. For the traditional east-Asian families who would never think to deviate from the status quo.
Anything stuffed and pre-made in a mason jar. For the families that do not appreciate your effort and accuse you of copying things from Facebook.
Tofurkey. For the families with military men. True patriots would not sit in the same room with one of “those imposters.”
Ma Po Tofu. For the white vegan family. Yes, that horrible sub-genre.
Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches. For the families whose oldest child and youngest child have a 10+ year age gap. Which one was the mistake? Let's discuss over some PB&Js.
Mac N’ Cheese that doesn’t use real cheese or butter or any of the stuff that makes it more than just cheese and noodles. For, again, the new-age family. To test their limits and crush their souls. Watch the light leave their eyes as they pretend to like it.
Falafel. For the families with right-wing, conservative parents.
The Impossible Whopper. For the families with left-wing, communist children who spend too much time on TikTok.
Any “meat” with quotes around it (e.g. “ham”, “turkey”, “chicken”) that isn’t meat at all. For the no-nonsense families that hate gimmicks. Or families with elderly folks that don’t enjoy humor or sarcasm.
A dozen vegan chocolate cupcakes that are laced with an irresponsible amount of laxatives. For the new-age family that should not be this nice and you need to know if they can feel anything but pure, unadulterated kindness and humility.
BONUS: Chick Fil A Nuggets. For the vegan, neoliberal family.
