6 Spicy Sex Dreams Your Parents Can’t Wait To Make Cameos In
Sex dreams: we all have them.
Privately, in the dark of night, where nothing can touch us but our own wandering hands and the lips of fantasy Timothée Chalamet outfitted in his finest Little Women attire. But if there’s one thing all children of overbearing parents know, it’s that privacy is not an option.
Doesn’t matter if it’s a visit to the dentist or drinks with co-workers. If it’s part of your life, your parents wanna be right there with you to soak up all the juicy details—especially if those details involve gettin’ all horned up with imaginary Olivia Wilde on a pirate ship in space or whatever.
1. You and Lara Croft just raided the shit out of a tomb. She shoves you up against a pile of jagged rocks. It hurts, but in a way that’s just the other side of pleasure, you know?
Lara shoots you a wolfish grin as her fingers dance into your teeny tiny shorts. She’s about to explore the most dangerous tomb of all—your vagina—when you look up to meet her gaze and… wait… is that your Mom’s head? On Lara Croft’s body?
Okay to be fair—yes, Mom is rocking the Croft look, but the spark’s totally gone and okay now she’s just patting your vagina saying, “Yum yum one day a baby’s gonna come outta this yeast factory!” and that’s when you wake up in bed fully screaming.
2. It’s late in what looks like the Biden/Harris HQ. There’s no one left except you and the Big Man and Woman themselves. They unveil their epic plan to save democracy: by engaging in a rockin’ threesome. But they’re gonna need your help.
“I’m just a lowly intern,” you murmur as you slowly peel off your blazer, womanhood quivering at the idea of giving back to your country. The Democratic ticket starts to undress…and then a familiar voice rings out: “So, you’re a socialist now?”
You turn to see your father, arms crossed in disappointment. “YOU DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT SOCIALISM IS!” you shout and that’s when you wake up in bed fully screaming.
3. You watch the sunrise from your very own bakery in the heart of Sesame Street. You flip the OPEN sign on the front door and are immediately greeted by your best customer: Cookie Monster!
“The usual?” you ask, gathering a pile of snickerdoodles. “No no. Me no want cookies today. Me hungry for…something else,” he grumbles, a strange look in his googly eyes. “What do you-?” And that’s when you realize: for the first time, everyone’s favorite blue monster has discovered something he’d like to eat besides chocolate chips.
“Oh, Cookie,” you gasp. You quickly turn on Spotify, setting the mood for your Muppet make-out sesh. “Sunny day, sweeping the clouds away,” you hear and…yup, that is your Mom’s distinct voice.
She suddenly appears in the corner, crooning softly to 3-year-old you in your childhood rocking chair as Cookie mounts you and that’s when you wake up in bed fully screaming.
4. You’re cuddled up on the couch with the Adam Driver. He leans over and whispers in that deep, weird voice of his: “Honey, let’s forget about me, Adam Driver, tonight. No dick in vag. Just tongue, clit, and major Os for my baby girl.”
The Marriage Story star gently lays you back, shimmying down your pants. He lowers his head to start a-lickin’ when there’s a tap at the window. It’s a pair of pigeons imbued with the spirit of your Mom and Dad.
“Just wanted to make sure our little dumpling is being pleased sexually,” the pigeons coo. They stare before suddenly transforming into your parents (Animorphs-style) and that’s when you wake up in bed fully screaming.
5. You’re in a dark dungeon surrounded by whips, chains, and shadowy figures writhing in pleasure. You approach a leather-clad man, studded mask covering his face.
“How ’bout you take off that mask and we get started on some Rihanna-level shit?” you ask. The man silently nods, removing his mask and, total shocker, it’s your fucking dad. Honestly, you’re not even surprised at this point.
You turn to leave, over it, when a mirror suddenly appears. You look at your reflection and see…your dad’s reflection looking back at you? Like you are your dad, but there’s also another version of Dad behind you ready to start something with himself?
“Let’s get all 50 Shades up in here,” bizarro Dad purrs in your ear and that’s when you wake up in bed fully screaming.
6. It’s time once again for weekly dinner at your parents’ house. Everything’s normal. Too normal. Seriously, is this even a dream? Mom passes you a plate of peas.
“More peas, dear?”
You shake your head.
“Wonderful. Now that’s out of the way: your Father and I have been meaning to talk to you…it’s a delicate topic but...”
“We wanna star in your sex dreams,” Dad interjects. “Just one. Please?”
Oh shit, it’s a set-up, wake up (Mom’s starting to take off her shirt)! Dear God wake up (Dad’s oiling his stomach)! Wake up you dumb bitch (Mom and Dad approach with lust in their eyes)! And that’s when you wake up in bed, for once at peace with your inner crazy.
You roll over to go back to sleep. “Trouble sleeping, honey?” Mom asks from the pillow next to you, fully nude, and OMG IT’S A DREAM WITHIN A DREAM and that’s when you (for real this time) wake up in bed fully screaming.
