Nation’s White Allies Emerge From Cocoons In Preparation Of New Kendrick & Frank Drops

LOS ANGELES, CA—Following rumors that both Kendrick Lamar and Frank Ocean are preparing new albums slated to drop in 2022, wildlife researchers are warning that this summer could see the return of one of America’s most invasive species: the white ally. 

The allies, who can often be seen in urban centers like New York and Los Angeles, are currently wrapped up warmly in their native cocoons, which keep them secure throughout the cold winter, warmer spring, and whenever there is a demonstration against police violence. However, upon the release of new music by a major Black artist, they explode onto social media timelines, saying things like “yoooooo this shit is fiiiiire” and “gave me a lot of stuff to think about.”

Researchers have suggested that rooftop-party attendees take precautions this summer, wearing strong deodorant to scare away allies who may wander over to talk about how they really respect Kendrick’s message or how they loved the second season of Top Boy. 

Despite a growing population in major metro areas, the lack of new music from artists like Kendrick, Frank, and even Rihanna, has caused a steep decline in on-the-street sightings of white allies.

“Without these artists, there’s no-one left for them to say 'damn I saw them live at Governor’s and it was litty' about,” stated biologist Howard Vince. "This causes a white ally to retreat into their shell and move towards other topics of conversation, like what happened on Euphoria last weekend.”

However, with new music supposedly imminent, more and more white allies can be seen unspooling their webs and dropping down from trees all across Brooklyn. They molt their sticky shells ready to express their shame at Macklemore winning for Best Rap Album—an event that happened eight years ago—and their belief that Frank Ocean is the greatest singer since Prince, the guy from the Batman soundtrack.