Broadway Is Back! Some White Woman Is Dragging You To A Musical You Hate
NEW YORK, NY—Wow! With New York’s city leadership moving forward with their plan to re-open cultural events across the city, that can only mean one thing: a white woman is taking you to a play that is either three hours with two intermissions or 80 minutes with no intermission but someone directly screams in your face the whole time and they try to tell you it's "immersive." Her name is probably Alice or Tara or something like that and she's going to cry.
That’s right: with the city proudly allowing New Yorkers to rediscover what makes the Big Apple so special, one of New York’s oldest and proudest traditions can begin again. Young men across the city are being taken to shows that have been described as “hard-to-watch”, “a triumph of choreography”, and “Dear Evan Hansen-esque,” which is somehow a selling point for the person inviting them. These shows' plots can range from family arguing, friends arguing, a couple arguing, a couple arguing while singing, cats singing, opera ghosts singing, family arguing and one of them is dying from a brain lesion or AIDS or something or other and also gets a song at the end. But most importantly: they do not include any plots wherein a car is driving at a breakneck speed through Tokyo. This detail is glaring.
Despite the continuing insecurity over Covid restrictions and protocols, Broadway theaters are delighted to once again offer the option to let people sit in between two NYU students on a date, and rest assured: they know every word of the show and will sing along in their seats. Additionally, there will be an old couple on a date who may or may not have muttered something when you tried to squeeze past them.
“When I first met my boyfriend, he was not interested in theater,” said book publishing agent Kelsey Rondo. “But I think he really enjoyed Hadestown. It’s about a guy who will not stop singing. He just won't stop!”
When reached for comment, her boyfriend Will Basenn said: “Please don’t print that I was at this show.”
