Man Doesn’t Understand Why You're Upset About Attacks On Reproductive Rights, Still Wonders If You'll 'Come Thru'
DENVER, CO—Self-proclaimed feminist and certified frat bro, Chad Smith, reportedly texted his Hinge date, Brytt Alabaster, late last night to see if she would still like to "come thru" after a drunken text rant directed at her anger about the recent attacks on reproductive rights throughout the country.
Smith, who proudly considers himself a feminist ally, noted that she has nothing to worry about because he doesn’t want to have kids with her anyway—even though he thinks he'd "be a total girl-dad."
“I don’t understand why she’s so upset about this stupid abortion stuff. Why does that mean we can’t have sex?” Pondered Smith as he browsed the local REI store. "She’s a solid six and a half (seven with makeup) so it’s not like I’m looking to stealth her. I’m a feminist, okay? I'm an RBG. I love women. I love their tits. I love their asses. I love when they wear tight, slutty clothing for me."
“But honestly, what’s the worst that could happen with banning abortion? It’s not like she’s gonna get pregnant because I always pull out—except when I forget to or don't want to."
Alabaster countered his comments when asked why she wasn’t, in Smith’s words, “coming thru tonight.”
“He said he was a feminist?!” Alabaster said before doubling over with laughter. “That adult child texted me at 2 a.m. on Wednesday night and asked why I was being such a pussy about the recent abortion restrictions and why that meant he couldn’t get 'some neck on the DL.’"
Alabaster also noted that she slept with him after their initial date but had no plans to continue pursuing the relationship.
“I should have known he was a walking red flag when he explained how seeling his bitcoin gave him the most intense erection he'd ever had,” said Alabaster, staring off into the distance. “Too bad he’s a tone-deaf asshole because he’s, unfortunately, really good at sex—surprisingly giving. But it’s not worth it. He doesn’t get it! He has a cabinet full of Plan B. Multiple boxes. Saved me a trip to CVS."
