Messiest, Most Toxic Friend A Life Coach Now, I Guess

AKRON, OH—Local woman Sarah Beth Sanders was shocked to see her messiest, most toxic college friend, Roberta Jensen, had become a life coach on Instagram.

“She was known in college for staying out till 2am and throwing beer cans at sororities 'for activism' and then trying to break up people’s relationships. I just really thought if any one of my friends became a life coach it would be Rachel, who can listen deeply while also being cute and trendy. Or Genevieve, who is very career-oriented and loves happily telling people what to do because of her god complex. It just doesn't add up."

Further investigation into Jensen’s life coaching page includes sayings like, “Own your voice and don’t be afraid to scream at annoying babies” or “Breathing is important because you need it to live” and photos of her falling down mountains in low-cut tops.

One of Roberta’s other college friends, Genevieve, commented: “I’m so happy for Roberta and that she wants to guide others! Although she always told me her biggest goals were hooking up with my boyfriend and trying to see if she could stay wasted for a full week—I know she has a lot of spiritual guidance to offer via Instagram live and posting graphics on her story.”