FBI Agent Adds You To Watch List, Has Heard Good Things

WASHINGTON D.C.—After hours of scrolling different profiles and feeling unsatisfied about the lack of decent choices, a local D.C. FBI Agent has reportedly—and reluctantly—decided to add you to his Watch List.

With over 7.7 billion people in the world, there is no lack of fresh content to choose from—but without a plan, Agent Fred Anderson often finds himself scrolling for long periods without finding anything good. So, he has quite recently, but begrudgingly, decided to add your name to his list of possible options.

“I’ve heard good things about you from other Agents,” says Agent Anderson, “but honestly, I usually don’t trust them, given the quality of the types of people they watch. No offense—they’ve recommended some goofy-ass shit. But I’m still always looking for something new to throw on.”

Agent Anderson hopes you turn into more than just something to play while he scrolls his phone.

“I’m not expecting to watch someone great, like Beyoncé or Ben Affleck, but I hope watching you is decent, or at least, so incredibly awful that you become a kind of fun hate-watch.”

While he’s still not hooked on the idea of watching you exactly, he figures he’ll get around to starting you once he has finished the other people still on his list.

Of the things he’s liked about what he’s heard about you so far: “I enjoy hearing about the recurring bits—how often you forget to floss at night, your weird porn searches, your daily bathroom pep talks.” 

However, certain plot points do give Agent Anderson pause about starting you completely: “I’ve heard there’s this extended series of scenes that feature you keeping tabs on your ex’s Instagram, Facebook, and LinkedIn? Maybe it’s just me—that shit always seems a little weird and invasive.”