Matt Damon: 'I Won't Shit In My Wife's Purse Anymore, My Daughter Told Me It Smells Bad'

LOS ANGELES, CA—Matt Damon has surprised his fans by recently deciding not to empty his bowels in his wife’s purse anymore. The decision came after his daughter caught him in the act, which prompted her to write a very long and detailed treatise on “Why We Wanna Live With Uncle Ben & JLo.”

Damon has, however, defended this habit by saying that it invoked nostalgia in him for his childhood, where husbands would shit in their wives’ bags every time they asked for basic rights.

“It's a Boston thing, you know?" shrugged Damon after using his actual toilet. "Nobody was thinking about hygiene back then, so we were good. Go Sox.”

But when his daughter caught him in the act, she had to spell it out for him. She just said, “Do you think Batman shits in women’s bags, dad?”

“She just went back to her room and wrote a whole treatise on why shitting in another human being’s purse was dangerous and how many women suffer from it every year, ” Damon recalls. "I said, ‘Fine. I’ll just stop shitting in your mom’s purse. I get it. No need for some fucking teenager who lives under my roof and eats my food to give me fucking lessons.”