Man’s Secret To Quitting Vapes: Cigarettes

CHICAGO, IL—Beverly resident Bob Murphy has revealed he has successfully quit vaping by replacing the toxic habit with smoking cigarettes. The 57-year-old union elevator repairman shared his history with vaping, and what made the jump to cigarettes so obvious.

“It all started with the Juul, but then Big Brother had to get their grubby hands on it,” remarked Murphy. “Since then, I used just about every disposable vape on the market. Puff Bar, Air Bar, Elf Bar —you name it, I’ve vaped it.”

According to Murphy, the problem now is the over-saturation of the disposable cigarette market.

“Down at the BP, they got ‘bout 50 different flavors for each of the 50 different makers. You can get a Mango Puff Bar, a Peach Mango Puff Bar, or a Peach Mango Banana Puff Bar. I get dizzy just staring at all the damn options now.”

On top of the overwhelming variety of electronic cigarettes, Murphy expressed concern with the unknown health benefits linked to vapes.

“I was a Marlboro smoker my whole life actually, before the Juul. Then once I picked up the Juul, I never looked back. But now, you don’t know what the hell is in these new disposable vapes. Picking up reds was easy because I can live with lung cancer; Lord knows what’ll come from the vapes.”

Despite the negatives, Murphy explained that there will never be hard feelings and he will always look fondly on his time vaping.

“I’ll never forget the leak of juice in a new vape or the crackle of a fresh Juul pod —that was like a chorus of angels each time. But most importantly, I’ll miss the camaraderie with other vapers—specifically getting to go halfsies on a Mr. Fog Max Air 3000 with my 15-year-old, Little Bobby Murphy Jr.”