Florida Issues Pre-Colored Coloring Books To Schools, DeSantis: 'Children Too Young To Make Decisions On Race'

TALLAHASSEE, FL—At a press conference in the Florida statehouse yesterday, Gov. Ron DeSantis unveiled the latest weapon to combat what he calls the "Woke Mind Virus." It's a coloring book being distributed to public schools throughout the state. The title is Heather Has Two Parents: A Mother and A Father United In A Traditional Christian Ceremony Before God and Prior to Heather's Conception.

The book is published by a parental watchdog group and details an average day in the life of Heather, a little blue-eyed, blonde girl, her "housewife" mother, and her father, a productive worker in a downtown office. The parents have the same hair and eye color as Heather. We know this because all the characters in the book have already been colored in.

After printing the books, the publisher ships them to various corrections facilities around Florida, where inmates with crayons complete the task of filling in the hair, eyes, and skin of all the characters. The books are then repackaged and distributed to the public schools.

When pressed for an explanation for the completed books—which are deemed appropriate for children ages 4 through 21—DeSantis issued the following statement:

"This coloring book eliminates all the pressure that the 'woke' left uses to indoctrinate our children. If you're looking for diversity and tolerance, Florida isn't for you. I plan to do away with A.P. Coloring, finger-painting, and Show & Tell too. And hyphenated last names will no longer be allowed. Students will have to choose one or the other."

It should be noted that none of those Advanced Placement courses actually exist in any curriculum. The Governor is also expected to announce legislation that will ban the sale of electric cars and kale chips. 

When asked what he was doing to combat gun violence in classrooms, a spokesperson pointed to the governor's suggestion of smaller class sizes.