Living History! Biden To Be First President To Posthumously Hold Office
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Like a caterpillar that grows a day older but is still months off from entering its cocoon stage, America is changing, but not by much.
Kamala, like the #girlcop she is, is waving at the inaugural crowd, and who's that cadaver on her arm? Well, none other than our new president of course! Waving in parallel with Kamala while he dons his legendary aviators. Man, he looks just like Tom Cruise’s Dorian Gray portrait in those bad boys. Looking good, Joe! Not at all deceased!
As I say that I can tell the compliment lands. His head slumps with bashfulness and his hands taped to look like finger guns loosely point in my direction. Two hundred years later and he’s still got it.
As Good 'Ol Joe delivers his first inaugural address in the shape of a pitch-for-pitch Kamala Harris impression, the #girlwarden herself is nervously mouthing all the words to his speech. This son of a bitch is such a professional that when his nose fell clean off he kept going like he didn’t even notice. Luckily, Klobuchar was able to politely tuck it away into her pocket to reattach at dinner.
At the afterparty, where hundreds of pandemic-worriers and -deniers could finally take a load off, Biden relaxed. Aside from the occasional spritz of Febreze from #girlMachiavelli (Joey, I love you, but you smell like death!), he took the time to decompress, literally.
After an hour of quiet contemplation, an ancient crown was put on his head, his eyes glowed red with hope, then he got up and said:
“My true name has been forgotten to all but the trees. I have seen gods live and die. Now I stand before you, ready to fight for your humble subjugation, and a liveable minimum wage.”
That must have tuckered him out because he fell back into his chair and made noises from his throat that Kamala lovingly dubbed a “life rattle.”
While I don’t agree with everything he stands for, a humble subjugation does sound nice. I think I’m looking forward to a Weekend at Biden’s.
