Billionaire 'Optimistic' About Future
NAPA VALLEY, CA—Jim Helios sips a wine you’ve never heard of out of a crystal glass that shines like the opportunities his massive wealth has afforded him. He sits back while a local forest fire a hundred miles away casts his face in a hopeful orange glow. He’s not worried, though. His in-house fire department is on standby. The property will be just fine.
“Life is good,” says Helios, confidently.
“It’s about the ‘now,’ you know?” Says the man with the financial security of a close-fisted dragon. “All these poor people get caught up in what’s going to happen to the planet.”
Helios continued as we walked the perimeter of his three-story pool. : "‘Why is the ocean on fire?’ or, ‘Who anonymously donated fifty million to a genetics lab?' and finally, ‘Why is this genetics lab not solving cancer? Why did they change their whole trajectory to make mermaids real?’ These people don’t understand that life is good.”
Helios made his exorbitant 4.6 billion net worth by inheriting 4.3 billion from his father.
“My idea was to take the steps my father took before me, and let those steps accumulate with my business manager. After that, it was just about keeping my head up, and living healthy.”
After retiring at twelve years old, Jim spent the next twelve years debating whether or not to start a self-help podcast. Though not the first billionaire to start one, his show would delve into tips for staying positive through such problems as a worker’s revolt, depleting an ancient forest because you like your toothpicks just so, and starting a relationship with your half-fish employee.
“You know, the stuff me and my buddies go through every day.”
But as the optimistic CEO continued, his workers’ words cast doubt. Helios’ gardener’s gardener Miguel Cortes had this to say: “He doesn’t know the plight of the common people. He doesn’t even know the plight of the uncommon people. Last week when we talked for the first time, he asked if I was going to take my yacht out on St. Rockefeller’s day. That’s not a holiday nonbillionaires even know about.”
(As of this publication, Miguel Cortes’ whereabouts remain unknown.)
Overall, Helios remains hopeful. Hopeful not just for his future, but for that of the world.
“Oh, not this world. That’s funny.” Helios says. “No, I’m talking about Mars. My buddies and I are flying there in our penis-shaped rockets. And my mermaid girlfriend Glop-glop too.”
