Kyrie Requests Trade To Goon Squad After Refusing NBA Vaccine Mandate

BROOKLYN, NY—On Monday night, Brooklyn Nets point guard Kyrie Irving stated that he would no longer play in the NBA following the vaccine mandate. The 29-year-old instead requested a trade to the Goon Squad from the new Space Jam movie.

“The NBA is old news! The players don’t have any magic powers like the boys in the Goon Squad do,” said Irving while standing in front of the Warner Brothers offices. “In the movie, LeBron gets transported to the Toon World while standing right here. Just waiting for the Squad to pull up and grab me.”

Irving, who is an anti-vaxxer, believes the Goon Squad will respect his values.

“I made a cameo in the new Space Jam and I really liked what the Goon Squad stood for. These guys like to win no matter what the cost is," said Irving while placing a healing crystal necklace around his neck. "They even kidnapped Lebron’s son just to win! I hope Bronny's okay...” 

Irving also hopes the NBA will regret their decision when they see him play with the fictional Space Jam team.

“I'm excited to play for a team that will let me use magical powers to win on and off the court! I heard Covid isn’t even a thing in the Looney Toon world," said Irving while tweeting his location at the Space Jam account. "They only worry about pianos falling on them. Really makes you think what lies the government feeds you in this world.” 

Although Irving is positive that he will be transported to the digital Space Jam world, he is keeping his options open. 

“If the Goon Squad doesn’t come to get me, I am going to look at playing for the Monstars from the original Space Jam from the '90s,” said Irving while walking aimlessly around a golf course. “I just emailed Jordan to put in a good word for me. Things are really looking up for me!”