Brady Headed To 10th Superbowl! Quarterback Credits Hard Work, Blood Sacrifice Of Local Child

TAMPA, FL—On Sunday, a teary-eyed Tom Brady credited his intense work ethic and his son’s best friend, 10-year-old Jason Holmes, for helping him make it to his tenth Superbowl appearance, this time with his new team, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

“I am proud of my coaches, team, and especially little Jason Holmes for working tirelessly every day,” said Brady as he power washed a bloodstain off his basement floor while his wife, supermodel Gisele Bündchen, watched from the stairs in abject terror. “Without Jason’s blood, sweat, and excessive amount of tears, we would have been eliminated early in the playoffs. As He grants He also reaps.”

Holmes, who Brady affectionately referred to as “my seventh ring,” is now one of many children who have been sacrificed in Brady’s long quest for greatness.

“When I played in Boston, parents lined up to sacrifice their kids for a Superbowl win. Often, I’d only have to give them a $1000 Dunkin Donuts gift card and cover funeral expenses to buy their silence,” said Brady as he transfused Holmes’ fresh, youthful blood into his veins. Bündchen stared out the window at sunny South Tampa, wide-eyed and silent.

“But when I moved to Tampa, it was almost impossible to find a family that would sacrifice their child for my glory. Luckily, my son Benjamin became friends with Jason, who just happened to be a huge fan of mine,” said Brady as Benjamin carefully removed the legs from a local cat he found.

Holmes, who went missing in early January was declared a saint on Sunday by local officials and will have a statue erected in his memory if Tampa Bay wins the Superbowl, the first team to ever win a hometown Superbowl. The statue will stand next to legendary Bucs of yesteryear including Warren Sapp, Derrick Brooks, and John Lynch. For now, Brady is grateful that he has the support of police officers, politicians, and especially his sons.

“Benjamin will get over it because he knows this is best for Daddy. Honestly, he should be used to it by now but—ugh, kids can always be so dramatic,” laughed Brady as he flipped through his son’s yearbook and highlighted a few pictures of young boys. “I am not done yet. I have more Superbowl rings in me and it’s always good to be prepared.”