How To Tackle That Home Renovation Project That Will—Without A Doubt—Ruin Your Marriage
Hello! I’d like to start by saying how thankful I am that you’re considering me to manage your next home improvement project! Hiring a contractor isn’t an easy decision and even the smallest project can be time-consuming and expensive. Add in the fact that your spouse might have certain reservations and the relationship can become… well... complicated. Let's get started!
Maybe your husband feels like he’s less than a man because you have to hire someone else to get things done. It happens a lot to men of a certain age and it’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Maybe your wife is worried about having someone she doesn’t know in the house. There are a lot of weirdos out there and you can’t be too careful. The last thing you want to do is hire some psycho who rifles through your medicine cabinet for OxyContin or your dresser for some underwear he can sell online. That's the contractor life!
Fortunately, I’ve developed a three-step process designed to get to know you and your spouse and alleviate your concerns.
For starters, I like to take my potential client out to lunch, somewhere casual like a local café. Our first meeting gives me the chance to get to know you and understand the scope of the project, your hopes and dreams, and concerns. A face-to-face meeting also provides me with an opportunity to show you that I’m a very non-threatening white man. Now before you get upset: I’m not assuming that you’re racist. I’m sure that you have a lot of black friends and would hire a black contractor if given the opportunity. Right? Right???
Assuming lunch goes well I like to dive into things to find out what makes you tick. Why do you want to build out a separate bathroom for your spouse? Are you unhappy with his work schedule? Is he doing the bare minimum in bed? How do you feel about light bondage? You want to try it but he's reluctant and wants to keep it missionary? That's what I thought.
Generally, we discuss the answers to these questions over dinner, usually at a five-star hotel like the Ritz or the Four Seasons. Of course, it’s a bit unusual but this relationship is an investment for both of us and, as we begin to understand each other we create the foundation for a mutually beneficial and lasting relationship. After a few bottles of wine and a light dinner, I’ve found that most of my clients begin to get to the heart of why they’re considering a project of this magnitude.
To be certain that our relationship is completely platonic, however, I like to spend the night with each of my clients. Again it’s an unconventional approach but over time I’ve discovered that it makes for the best working relationship. It’s only when we share a bed in the hotel room that we’ll really get to know each other and, if something happens, well it happens. That's the contractor life!
Provided the evening goes well we can proceed to the third and final step. While we could order room service—and the buffet at The Ritz is to die for—I like to go in another direction just to see how compatible we’re going to be. Breakfast at Mcdonald's is my go-to for the morning after but I’m flexible. We could also hit Taco Bell if you’re up for something spicier. I hear that White Castle is doing some pretty innovative things with their breakfast menu these days as well. The location doesn’t matter. The point is that this step helps me understand how we’re going to proceed with your home renovation project and, more importantly, our relationship going forward. Like, what are we?
And that’s it! If you’re interested in my services please feel free to drop me an email or give me a phone call but please hurry. My schedule books up pretty quickly and you’re not exactly getting any younger.
