FBI Warns Most Murders Occur When You're Home Alone At Night And High Pitched Music Begins Playing In The Background And Then You Hear A Noise That Could Be Inside The House But You're Not Sure
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Presenting the results of their careful examination of the mainstream media, the FBI warned all Americans that if they ever find themselves alone in their houses with loud, almost deafening, orchestral shrill—typically with a screech of violin—then their chances of survival are next to nothing.
“It is a misconception that most murders occur in a deserted alley with only a taunting drum beat in the background,” said the chief of FBI and John Williams fanatic Chris Ray. "The numbers don't lie. It's usually in your own home and it will involve some sort of growing bass drone of some kind. You know, like a 'wirrrrrrrrrrr' or something."
The report was confident that while the murder rates are usually high in haunted houses and forests with monstrous creatures, virtually all subgenres of horror were at high risk of an assailant striking without prior warnings, like from inside your closet or when you nervously close your bathroom mirror. Alongside the report, the FBI also published a questionnaire that could assess the probability of your murder.
“If you feel like you’re in a situation where you might be about to die, just whip out this questionnaire and start answering,” said the FBI chief. "It could save your life."
This questionnaire, aptly titled “So You Think You Can Die,” contains ‘yes or no’ questions such as, but not limited to:
Is your house in the middle of a forest?
Did you just move into a new house and your weird child keeps on asking about ‘her friend’ under your bed?
Is there an Indian burial ground near you? *
Is there a doll?
If you get more than 9 'yes' answers, then it is safe to consider you a departed soul. You’re dead as dogshit. Don't even bother running because you will trip on a root, drop your glasses, and when you scramble to find them and put them back on, that's when you get got—according to FBI analysis.
“It all started when we noticed an increased spike in deaths right before the screen cuts to black,” said Chief of Counterintelligence Lt. Daniel Johnson, who laid the foundations of this investigation. "And how the black guy always goes first and then the second to die is usually the woman who is sex-positive."
He further advised every citizen that the best way to stay safe is to keep their head down until the situation dies out and the plot point is resolved.
*this is a trick question. The answer is always yes or probably.
