Is Now A Bad Time To Say I've Personally Been Having A Great 2020?
I can see you're crying right now and as a friend, I’m really bummed that this year has been a total drag for you, but you know, it’s not all about you. Maybe if you had gone to that yoga retreat in the Hamptons with me last summer you’d be a little more aligned in your Solar Plexus chakra right now.
All I’ve been hearing you say this year is: the earth is on fire—World War III is here—Trump is getting away with murder—Bernie got shafted—Can’t talk right now my grandma just got coronavirus—About to lose my shitty apartment—my unemployment claim didn’t go through—and now you’re going on and on saying ‘Looting over the death of George Floyd is a valid form of protest against capitalist regimes—I mean oh my god, I’m sorry, but the Chanel on Spring Street didn’t deserve to go down like that… I'm sorry.
Maybe think about how your negative energy projects on to other people? Taking that anger everywhere is exhausting. Plus, it gives your wrinkles and you never come with us to get botox on Botox Fridays! We miss you, girl.
How about I get you in touch with my manager and he can hook you up with several social media sponsorships? You never even asked me how my promotional work with Skinny Bitch Energy drink is going? I’m having such a great year I finally got Balenciagas, I made sourdough bread, I finished a 4000 piece puzzle, and I feel like I can’t even bring it up with you because you’ll just end up telling me about all of your problems. You’re making me feel really bad for not having anything to worry about when it isn’t my fault. I guess I'm just a chill person, you know? Oh, how was tenant court, by the way? (See, that wasn't that hard...)
My therapist said I should find people who want to share in my successes, and as a verified pseudo-influencer it just seems like all you do is call out my microaggressions whenever we go to Soul Cycle, or tell me I’m being a performative activist whenever I post about PETA and then bought that Louis Vuitton at Nordstrom's. I’d invite you to daddy's property in West Palm, but then you’d go on a tangent saying how I shouldn’t use my private jet during a climate emergency. I can never win with you.
Listen, I didn’t get to go to Coachella, the Met Gala, or the Kenny Chesney Chillaxification Tour this year, and you don’t see me complaining about it even though that thoroughly sucks. Honestly, I guess what I’m saying is, I just hope you can look to me as an example of calm and grace during these times. I’ve grown so much this year, and maybe you just aren’t ready to grow with me. Sometimes these events really make you think about the people you surround yourself with.
