Hip Coffee Shop Transitions From Dog-Friendly To Dog-Mandatory

PORTLAND, OR—Over the past several decades, businesses of all kinds have started becoming more and more accommodating to man’s best friend. Dog owners everywhere are finding more places where they can bring their pooches in along with them, including bars, supermarkets, and, especially, coffee shops. For those dog lovers with a coffee habit, a huge mark of progress has been made as Portland’s hip coffee shop Viva La Coffee has officially transitioned from “dog-friendly” to “dog-mandatory”.

A massive win for canines everywhere!

Viva La Coffee, which has had a dog-friendly policy for years now, will be the first coffee shop to take their policy one step further and refuse service to any customers who are not accompanied by a dog. 

“You’re familiar with the slogan ‘no shoes, no service’,” said Mark Scrupf, 48, owner of Viva La Coffee. “Well, our slogan is ‘no shitzu, no service’. That’s just a joke, of course. All dog breeds are allowed.”

When asked what prompted the shift in policy, Scrupf explained that the transition just makes sense in today’s climate.

“We’re making a statement that we are not just ‘friendly’ to dogs, but we actually require their presence,” explained Scrupf. “I wouldn’t go to a coffee shop that was just ‘human-friendly’. I want to feel needed, feel included. That’s what we’re saying to the dogs. You are needed here.”

Naturally, the coffee shop’s menu is being adjusted to account for this change. All of the current coffee drinks are being replaced with various "puppuccinos," the pastries are becoming dog treats, and the only remaining item suitable for human consumption will be a $3.00 paper cup of water. Furthermore, the shop’s main entrance is being boarded up in favor of a single doggy door.  

“We would love to see other cafes follow suit,” said Scrupf. “Just because humans invented coffee doesn’t mean that dogs shouldn’t be able to enjoy it. Hey, you! Get the fuck out, you human.”