U.S. Baby Shortage Ended After Playing Sade On Repeat

ATLANTA, GA—After announcing the U.S. birth rate was at a 35-year low, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has seen a pregnancy surge thanks to the constant playing of Sade music.

“We were brainstorming ideas, but just couldn’t figure out what to do,” said policy and strategy leader Dr. Robin Ikeda, “and then Sade’s 1984 hit ‘Smooth Operator’ started playing on Pandora. Within seconds, everyone in the office was having wild, sweaty, sloppy intercourse. So, we thought we might be onto something.”

With the help of various nation-wide radio, television, and internet outlets only playing the sultry singer’s soulful music from the hours of 9pm to midnight, pregnancies have skyrocketed.

“We’re in the middle of a new baby boom, it’s like 1948 all over again,” said Ikeda.

According to the census agency’s ‘Population Clock,’ a single playing of Sade’s 7-minute-and-20-second song ‘No Ordinary Love’ in Texas led to the announcement that the U.S. had gained 21.6 million pregnancies. These infants are being referred to as "Sadies."

When asked to comment, CDC Director Robert R. Redfield said, “I’ve been in public health for over 40 years and I’ve never seen this level of fucking. There are just astronomical amounts of boning, knocking boots, and slapping skins happening right now.”

One severe case included a couple who for years tried to have children but just weren’t able to. Said Redfield, “we recommended a high dose of Sade’s ‘Sweetest Taboo’ be administered followed by an immediate injection of Marvin Gaye’s ‘Let’s Get It On.’” Continued Redfield, “and I’m happy to say the couple is now expecting octuplets, or as we at the CDC like to call them: eight new Americans!”