Egyptologists Discover Hieroglyphics Detailing First Lineup Ever Performed, Experts Confirm That Shit Was Clean Too

Jun 15

Jun 15 Egyptologists Discover Hieroglyphics Detailing First Lineup Ever Performed, Experts Confirm That Shit Was Clean Too

CAIRO, EGYPT—After decades of research and extensive study, Dr. Marquis Clark was on an archaeological dig when he discovered a pristine stone panel of hieroglyphics detailing the first line up in human history.

“After discussing the findings with a team of the world's top egyptologists, we can confirm that shit was clean too.” Dr. Clark, who goes by Marquis, told BET News' World History Division.

Inventions from the ancient civilization continue to be utilized today. From bandages to beekeeping, calendars to clocks, and geometry to gynecology. Yet Marquis suspected that there was something even more significant. He held up the artifact and gave a detailed analysis.

“If you look at this, you will see two men at a barber shop. Now look at what the barber is holding: a razor is in one hand and a protractor is in the other.” The professor's voice grew with excitement as he explained. “At this moment, the haircut is nearly complete, but there is one more step. The barber is lining up the hairline with a protractor and edging with the blade. The line up was invented in ancient Egypt and they used geometry to make the angles perfect, just like the pyramids."

The hieroglyphics depicting the event were just as immaculate as the subject's hairline. They are so well preserved that Hieroglyphic experts have deciphered that the ancient customer had to wait a few hours for his cut because his barber kept letting his cousins go first. Also, Anubis was there for some reason.

“If the Egyptians knew the contributions they made to the black community, to the first day of school photos, to job interviews, to the god damn culture!” The professor said with tears welling up in his eyes. “If they only knew.”

His discoveries are far from finished. Marquis will not rest until he uncovers the origins to all black hairstyles on the barbershop poster. Up next: the fade, which according to his data may be connected to the Ancient Babylonians.