Single Man Looking For Partner That Is 'Beautiful, Smart, Makes Their Own Oregano Like Stephanie'

SAN JOSE, CA—Group chats were blowing up as people on dating apps learned that Gabe Gabbert was back and looking for a partner that was “beautiful, smart, and makes their own oregano like Stephanie.”

Gabe is notorious in the dating community for looking for hyper-specific, irreplaceable qualities based on the last person he dated.

“So I matched with this guy and the first thing he asks is if I make homemade oregano. I’ve been asked a lot of unbelievable things by men but never that," said one of his recent first dates. "Making oregano sounds unnecessary. If you love it so much, make your own! What am I, a Whole Foods?”

Our journalism team went undercover to catfish Gabe to see what the hell was going on. His message has been edited for length, clarity, and reduction of cringe.

“Oregano is earthy and musty but it also has minty notes, which is fascinating... Unfortunately, things didn’t work out between Stephanie and me but her ability to dehydrate leaves was very special and I am looking for someone to replicate that exact quality. Would love for her name to be Stephanie too if possible.”

When asked to describe more qualities of the perfect partner, Gabe was adamant about someone smart, beautiful, the middle child of five, and wears one color at a time. She also needs to vote independently in local elections, needs a graduate degree in sustainable farming, and appreciates S&M on special occasions.