Safeway Still Calling Aisle 'Ethnic'

PLEASANTON, CA—Taco night? Aisle six. Phad thai? Hit up six. Curry? Check six. Until recently, the ingredients for these meals and more were found in the ethnic food aisle. But according to the culture, Safeway is canceled for food discrimination practices.

“I just went in to make some bomb-ass paella one day and it hit me how fucked up that shit was,” said sociology grad student Eric McBunch. “You can’t say ethnic anymore… right? Yeah, you definitely can't say ‘ethnic'—I'm assuming."

Safeway refused to comment for this article but we connected with Zacc Bader from the stockroom. Mr. Bader has been working at Safeway for 17 years and it has been his only job since high school.

“I feel like the ethnic food aisle, excuse me, "aisle six" always came through with the hitters. It had everything for like, everything. Except for, you know, Ben & Jerry's.”

When asked if he would leave his job in protest Mr. Bader was reluctant.

“Safeway is like my family, man. They are not perfect but it’s home. Taught me everything I know: how to stock shelves and… yeah.”

Due to public pressure from the cancellation, the Safeway PR team is considering an aisle six rebrand and released a statement with potential names.

“As a community grocery, we promise to do better and be better for our customers, especially our valued Safeway Select members. We would love your feedback on our new ethnic names: South of the Border & Across the Pacific, The Spice Road, and Not Local.  Safeway, Ingredients For Life.”