Covid Reaching Endemic Stage Leaves Many Panicked For New Excuse To Avoid Social Events
WASHINGTON, DC—With the news of Omicron peaking in many countries, the possibility of COVID reaching the endemic stage has many panicked about what this means for their repertoire of social excuses.
Never in this generation’s history has there ever been such a readily available, and widely accepted, excuse to get out of things.
Sure, past generations made use of such classics as I can’t come over now, I’m waiting for an important call; Sorry, but I really need to catch the milkman; and, I’d love to come to your wedding, but I’ve just been drafted and have to go do army stuff now. Congrats, tho!
Such excuses are no longer valid today due to cell phones, the Great Milkman Genocide of 1950-whatever, and lots of warm insulation to protect from cool drafts. This leaves the current generation with a depleted supply of great excuses, that is, until COVID.
“COVID was the best thing that ever happened to me!” says David Domingo, a man who reportedly used COVID to get out of no less than 15 children’s birthday parties and a destination wedding. News of COVID no longer being a valid excuse has people like Domingo rattled.
“Now what am I supposed to do?” he wonders while slumped in a chair, opening Save the Date after Save the Date—an endless pile of mail. “I can’t go back to telling people that my grandma died, because it turns out there’s a finite number of times you can use that one. I just barely got away with using it a third time."
The loose parameters of COVID’s symptoms, severity, and contact tracing meant that the excuse lent itself to immense flexibility. As Angela Anderson, who claims she’s only used the COVID excuse a couple of times, points out:
“When someone asks what my symptoms are, I can literally say anything—fevers, chickenpox, depression, a busted ankle—and they’ll be like, ‘Yup, that could be COVID.’ Shoot, I don’t even have to say I have anything, I can just say my neighbor’s boyfriend’s brother has COVID, so I better stay home just to be safe. It’s the Beyonce of excuses, it just doesn’t get any better than that.”
