Man's Best Friend? This Dog Upholds The Patriarchy
CHANDLER, AZ—Uh-oh! Looks like the proud bitches of fourth-wave feminism are about to face a reckoning. Modern women think they can do anything: gaslight, gatekeep, #girlboss, get-her-own-Grubhub-delivery-from-the-lobby-instead-of-sending-her-boyfriend. But can they hold a sexy canine accountable for his misogyny?
That’s right, cancel culture’s next target is Chad, an alpha dog dead-set on upholding the human patriarchy.
“Dog-Chad was a sweet pup before his human, Chad Baker, entered the picture,” said Mabel Strong, the volunteer coordinator at The Barkchelor Pad dog rescue in Chandler. “Human-Chad works at some fake startup promising to disrupt the feminism industry. That toxicity rubbed off on his dog."
Canines who knew dog-Chad at The Barkchelor Pad recall a time when he treated women with respect.
“Bark in the day, dog-Chad said things like ‘pardon me, but may I please eat your vomit if you’re finished with it?’ and ‘I’m hungry, bitch. Lemme at them titties’ when he requested food from his mother,” yipped Hank, a Boston Terrier-Chihuahua mix. “But now, dog-Chad humps bitches’ legs without consent, mansplains and barks the vilest, sexist shit I’ve ever heard in my life. It makes me wonder if he would he lick his mother’s asshole with that mouth?”
Holding dog-Chad accountable for his actions will be difficult, cautions Ty Cormier, a Gender & Women’s Studies professor at UC Berkeley.
“Even the most ardent feminists find it difficult to hold conventionally attractive males accountable. As a German Shepherd, dog-Chad is obviously beautiful, with shiny fur and a jawline so sharp it can pry open a can of Merrick Cowboy Cookout wet food in one easy motion,” Professor Cormier explained. “Society conditions women to give poorly behaved canines second, third, and even fourth chances, even if it goes against their best interests. They think ‘maybe I can be the one to finally fix him.’ But they can’t, because he’s a dog. And you can't teach a fuckdog new tricks, or whatever the saying is.”
At press time, dog-Chad was seen exposing himself to a female dog and peeing on an elderly woman’s immaculately-pruned rose bush, as human-Chad defended his behavior.
“Everyone’s so hard on dog-Chad, but you can’t just ruin his life over a few small mistakes. He doesn’t know better! After all, good boys will be good boys.”
