Biden To Cancel $1 Of Student Loan Debt For Every Hour Spent 'Pounding The Pavement'
D.C.—President-elect Joe Biden unveiled a plan to reduce the balance of college graduates’ student loans. An issue brought to light largely by the 2020 campaign platforms of Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren, Biden nevertheless opted for a more modest approach palatable to Republicans and to Democrats who fear Republicans.
After weeks of deliberation, the president-elect settled on having loan holders print out their resumes and log their time going door to door in local business districts in exchange for a portion of their loans being wiped clean, a campaign the Biden team is calling "Pound The Pavement, Bucko! LLC"
Biden admitted he would have liked to have introduced a more substantial proposal, but he became convinced of the need for a work requirement after meeting with lobbyists for the paper and ink industries. Potential Commerce secretary picks Meg Whitman and Ursula Burns, the former CEOs of Hewlett-Packard and Xerox, respectively, also had Biden’s ear throughout the process.
“You know, young folks today should get ready to whip themselves back into shape after staying home during the pandemic,” Biden explained at an evening press conference. “And to me, there’s nothing like a good long walk. It’s like I tell my grandkids, it’s exciting to go to new places, meet new people, you don’t know what’ll happen. I also say that to my dogs before we go to a new park.”
Biden’s plan eliminates $1 in monthly payments for each hour spent “pounding the pavement,” as he puts it, with participants required to wear boots with straps on them. Also necessary is a lapel pin that reads, “Keeping the ‘Own’ in ‘Loan.’”
“It’s for when that big ol’ sun goes down and you feel like you’re just so spent that you can’t keep on kicking that can down the road,” Biden said, not answering the reporter's question at all. “That account is something that belongs entirely to you, and that’s a darn rare thing these days. Where's the beef!?”
The plan promises an economic effect more beneficial than simply making a one-time reduction in loans across the board, with a particular focus on those with lower incomes.
“The surplus pedestrian traffic in these business districts will create a vibrant, cheery atmosphere reminiscent of a Rockwell painting,” it reads. “The sights and sounds of the youth entering and exiting stores and office buildings will facilitate a lasting change in the economy that is far from superficial.”
Although there is a cap of five hours per day if one’s monthly payment exceeds $46, time-and-a-half on weekends is approved —“a generous offer that should be capitalized on,” according to the plan.
Biden seemed particularly enthusiastic about another benefit.
“And how about this, this is the good stuff right here,” he boasted from his handmade, pine rocking chair. “You can even put this program, the one you’re taking part in, on the very resumes you hand out. Pretty cool, right?”
