9 out of 10 Climate Scientists Agree, Your Cousin's Mixtape Is Actually Kind of Fire

After announcing that human-driven climate change could make Earth uninhabitable in as little as 30 years, a panel of the world’s top climate scientists have exposed another shocking truth: your cousin’s mixtape is low key fire.

Speaking at a global summit in Vienna, Akiva Jorniim, one of the world’s most highly regarded climate scientists, shared the panel’s findings.

“We have tested our hypothesis countless times in different physical conditions, as well as mental states, and in every scenario our findings have been nearly unanimous. The very same cousin who only spoke to you at family functions to ask if you had games on your phone, has dropped some serious heat.”

Scientists first became aware of the mixtape, entitled Life So Far Vol. 2, a few days prior, when an intern was handed a signed copy of the CD by your cousin riding a hover board outside of the mall, who then demanded $5, “because it’s autographed.”

“Since then we have been tracking its growth on SoundCloud and various social media platforms, where it has been spreading, excuse the pun, like wildfire,” Jorniim said.

The panel has officially classified the tape as a “slow burn.”

“It sort of creeps up on you,” Jorniim described. “At the beginning you’re thinking, ‘meh.’ Around the sixth track you’re like, ‘Oh, ok.’ But by the eighth, you’re texting the group chat like, ‘Yooo!’”

Recomposing himself, Jorniim made a call to action.

“Though this is the same cousin who denies stealing your fitted even though there are pictures of them wearing it on FaceBook, we urge you to bury the hatchet immediately, because this shit is straight fuego. And who knows, with sea levels rapidly rising, maybe they’ll buy you a jet ski or something when they make it big.”