“2020 Is Gonna Be My Year” Declare NYC Rats As Year Of The Rat Approaches

It’s 2020 and the rats are about to start eating BETTER, running LESS, and cutting toxic relationships OUT of their lives (the dang subway).

That’s right, this Saturday’s Lunar New Year celebration means it is officially the Year of the Rat. And the rats are gonna be thriving, HUNNY!

New York City residents best be SCARED! The rats going to be OUT HERE, and they’re also going to be literally EVERYWHERE—so, no different than any other day, really.

Rats everywhere are literally LIVING for this upcoming year. “Last year wasn’t great for me. I fell out of a six floor walk up into a trash can and was shuttled into JERSEY,” said a subway rat sitting inside an empty Flamin’ Hot Cheetos bag. “But THIS year? THIS year is gonna be MY year,” it insisted, convinced things are going to finally turn around this year even though it was born in 1872.

The little ratty rat nibbling on a loose piece of spaghetti under Denise Clarkson’s kitchen sink is excited for the new year as well. “I’m gonna start having more friends over, running around with an actual destination in mind, and eating only out of the classy West Village dumpsters.”

Clarkson, sobbing in the opposite corner of her apartment, said: “I thought this new decade was gonna be better for me, not for rats. Can I kick it out or is that racist?” It is, Denise Clarkson.

This year’s rat parade will commence at any hour of the day in any location. Just walk outside of your apartment and you will BE IN the rat parade. Some lucky New Yorkers may not even need to leave their apartments at all!

“Last year I got my tail cut off on the subway tracks. This year? I’m going to saw a subway car in half with my bare teeth and sink my teeth into every single human calf on that fucking car,” said a big-ass, wild-eyed, dementia-ridden rat that was perhaps maybe a raccoon. “2020 new year, new me motherfucker!” Happy Lunar New Year, SWEETIE!