Woman Terrified To Break Up With Aspiring Rapper In Case Her Voicemail Ends Up As Iconic Song Intro

AUSTIN, TX—“I’m all for artistic expression, but that cannot be music, right? He’s just reading off the nutritional facts of Double Stuff Oreos to a sample drum beat from GarageBand.”

Those are the words of Angelica Daisy. For the last two months, she’s been dating aspiring Soundcloud rapper Kevin Crincknob, known by six fans as Lil Knob.

“Well, dating is a stretch,” Daisy clarifies, “I pick him up (because he can’t drive) and we get lunch, usually at Burger King. Then, he gives me an extended retelling of the strange dream he had that morning and refuses to share his fries.”

Normally, Daisy would have ended a relationship like this weeks ago. But the overwhelming fear of having her voice used as a song intro has held her back. She was horrified to learn that using a breakup voicemail is one of Lil Knob’s signature moves. This along with yelling “You already know you it is,” even though no one knows "who it is" and album art that looks like it was made by a 12-year-old girl on Tumblr.

“I don’t call in case he’s recording," said Daisy. "I only text him non-sexual emojis like the ladybug or the British flag. I tried to get him to learn Morse Code so I could break up with him like that, but he made it into a beat and started rapping about library fines.”

Lil Knob’s newest album, “Astral Projections to a Sexier Plane of Existence” is scheduled to come as soon as he finished his court-ordered house arrest for accidental arson of a defunct Chuck E. Cheese.

In the meantime, he’s keeping himself busy. He’s learning how to sue OVO for “stealing vibes,” and experimenting with a new drug he calls “Diet Coke.” Diet Coke is just cocaine mixed with aspartame.

“I think I’ll just move to Arizona and change my phone number,” says Daisy.