As Cuffing Season Ends, Thousands Of Men Dumped Into Ocean

As Cuffing Season Ends, Thousands Of Men Dumped Into Ocean

Man overboard!

As climate change prompts sea levels to rise to dangerous levels, the problem is about to get a whole lot worse: cuffing season is coming to a close, and thousands of women are discarding their men into the sea.

“I probably shouldn’t have got him in the first place, but I thought I could use him in an emergency, like a holiday party or if a blizzard closed the subways,” explained Crown Heights woman Ayeesha Jones. 

“But regardless, I’m done with the dick and it’s time for his ass to go. He chews popcorn mad loud. I’m done,” she said as she cast him into the tide.

Long Island City woman Jennifer Gomez felt similarly.

“I thought about what brings me joy, and listening to someone talk about Joe Rogan’s podcast is unfortunately not one of them,” said Gomez after she kicked her man into the ocean, 300-style.

Due to EPA-built barricades along the East River preventing women from merely dunking their men into the drink there, women have found alternatives: public pools, that deep puddle on 3rd Ave. and 9th St., and thick irrigation ditches on the side of I-95.

Currently, the EPA is urging people to discard their partners properly: at Gov Ball.

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