Tis The Season! Hallmark Gears Up For Another Round Of Racially Segregated Christmas Movies

KANSAS CITY, MS—With the holiday season quickly approaching, Hallmark’s once white-only lineup of actors has been rethought in favor of a more diverse cast for the channel.

However, because everyone knows each race is restricted to one holiday and they’re all mutually exclusive, making sure there are separate movies for Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa is a priority.

According to Hallmark CEO Clark Scott, separating movies based on race and ethnicity just makes sense.

“We did try to do a few movies with interracial couples last year,” Scott said. “Unfortunately, because our white audience got incensed by the inclusion, we have had to rethink our formula.”

The backlash Scott is referring to caused a boycott of the channel for just over a week by white women over the age of 70, which is about 85% of Hallmark’s viewership.

Claude-Marcel Jonathan, a Canadian ex-pat who has found fleeting success in 58 Hallmark movies over the past two years, also said having holiday movies for different races is the right call. 

“How would we fit Christmas and Kwanzaa celebrations in 80 minutes flat?” Jonathan said. “It simply isn’t feasible.”

Scott went on to use the phrase “separate but equal” several times in this interview, totally oblivious to its connotation and origin.

When his publicist hurriedly whispered in his ear, presumably explaining the phrase’s meaning, Scott grew confused.

“What? What do you mean?” he said. “Well it’s true, isn’t it?”