Unprecedented: This Father Just Said 'Sorry'
CENTRAL, SC—In an unexpected turn of events, this local father just said the word “sorry” to his daughter.
“He just said it. I’m not sure why, sorry,” said Carly Harvey, a local pediatrician, and the apologizer’s daughter. “He has never apologized before. In 2007, or 2008 actually—sorry—he spilled a whole carton of milk on my jeans. And while he was trying to suppress an apology, he burst several blood vessels in his forehead. He was in the hospital for weeks. Sorry, was that too much info? Sorry.”
The father in question—Johnathon Harvey, a psychology professor at the local university—is said to have a history of never saying sorry.
“At his own wedding, he set off a round of fireworks, setting my husband’s hair on fire,” said Ingrid Hampton, Harvey’s mother-in-law. “He shattered every stained glass window in the church and still didn’t apologize. I apologized to Jesus, though.”
It is no secret that once a man becomes a father, he loses the ability to apologize with authenticity, but when speaking with other local townsfolk, Flexx learned that Mr. Harvey may not be alone in his peculiar habits.
In fact, all the men —and not only the fathers—appeared unapologetic. At the local pub, it was learned that all men in town subscribe to similar customs.
“Can’t you read the sign?” asked the bartender, gesturing towards a plank reading: NO SHOES, NO SHIRT, NO APOLOGIES.
“John Harvey? Now that’s the type of fella to never say sorry,” said Milton Wood, a friend of Harvey’s. “John is a good man. Are you sure he apologized to his daughter? Nah, doesn’t seem like him. John’s a good man.”
With so many male residents refusing to say “sorry,” and outright considering it in poor taste, one must ask if this is a case of localized and rampant unapologetic behavior or a more widespread occurrence.
When confronted, Mr. Harvey opted to pace his driveway, muttering “oop” and “yowza.”
Harvey appeared entirely resistant to questioning, once literally diving into nearby hedges after mistaking a dog-walker for an on-site reporter, only to lift himself out the bush — his hair covered in branches and birdnesting — now with a pair of binoculars.
When asked if he’s ever said the word “sorry,” Harvey denied it, claiming he pities those who utter the phrase.
“Did I say that word to my daughter? No,” claimed Harvey. “Maybe I said Safari, or starry, or maybe, even, oh-God-Carly-I-feel-so-shameful-for-cheating-on-your-mother-Laurie, but I certainly would never say sorry. Oh, fuck!”
