Study Finds That 'Racist Bone In Body' Is Proximal Phalange 4
BALTIMORE, MD—Have you ever thought that you “don’t have a racist bone in your body"? It turns out, you may be dead wrong.
Researchers at Johns Hopkins University were surprised to find that the elusive “racist bone” actually exists—and it’s proximal phalange 4.
“That alluring urge to say the N-word when singing karaoke?” said head researcher, Dr. Myle Ingram. "Fingerbone.”
Research is ongoing regarding the bone’s evolutionary purpose, but existing evidence suggests that there seems to be a variation in the lengths of the bone in question. When asked about this variation, Dr. Ingram elaborated.
“We found that, on average, this particular bone is largest amongst female and male Caucasians. I know what you’re thinking: female Caucasians probably have a smaller bone because, generally speaking, the skeletal structure of female humans tends to be smaller, but this isn’t at all the case with proximal phalange 4. At times, Caucasian females have a much, much larger bone, positively correlated with voting Republican, and the amount of mayonnaise added to a standard potato salad.
"Additionally, we found that while non-Caucasians generally have a smaller or near non-existent bone, proximity to the aforementioned Caucazoid species can have some effect. Have you seen how big Ben Carson’s hands are? That motherfucker is racist.”
The research is eye-opening indeed, though a potential treatment seems unlikely, explains Dr. Ingram.
“We tested several potential treatments during clinical trials including having our research subjects read The New Jim Crow or an infographic shared on social media. We even had a test group listen to Lemonade for a week straight. Sadly, the effects were scientifically negligible. Next phase: amputation.”
