Study Finds Humans Go Nuts When Interacting With Dogs, Cats, But Could Not Give Less Of A Shit About Fish, Turtles
NEW YORK, NY—A recent study out of the Placeholder Journal of Science has determined that the average human goes absolutely effing insane when interacting with pets—dogs and cats in particular.
The study was spearheaded by Dr. Janith Grenders, 43, a professor of bioethics at George University, after she found a rather concerning trend among many of his fellow humans.
“A lot of my friends act strange—even erratic—around certain different kinds of animals," explained Grenders as she stared stone faced at a puppy sleeping. "They suddenly break their normal visage and losing their sanity when interacting with them. The scientific phrase is 'going absolutely nuts.'"
They performed the study on 100 different humans of various social strata, races, and opinions on that new Metaverse movie that just dropped. Each of the people were put in a classically furnished human living room. Not long after entering the room, the other researcher would bring a dog, cat, fish, or turtle into the room.
The human research participant would then be introduced to the animal, and then told that they can do whatever they wanted with said animal, within the bounds of what's chill.
When the dog, Noodle, was brought in, most humans gravitated towards him and began to rub him profusely in various locations on its face and back. Some of them even began talking to Dog, which is strange considering that previous research determined that the average human individual cannot speak to other animals. Some of them even began changing the pitch and tone of their voice and squealed in excitement. There were similar results when the cat, Jennifer Slowpez (or J-Slo), was brought in.
Conversely, when the turtle and fish were brought in (whose names were John Maynard Keynes and Milton Friedman, respectively), the humans behaved less erratically, just asking standard small talk questions, like “What is your average caloric intake in one standard human day, Milton?”
These results were deeply concerning to Doe and Doe, who believed that they could suggest two different things. Either dogs and cats have force fields around them that when humans enter in some way, they become insane, and begin to act far more erratically and uncontrollably (in this case, certain animals may have bigger force fields than others, like dogs versus turtles) or that humans are just generally becoming more insane and uncontrollable. This latter result would square with the current human climate across the world.
In contrast to the way that humans interacted with the animals, when the researchers brought the animals together to see how they would interact with each other, there was far less erratic action. This was most clearly the case when both John Maynard Keynes the turtle and Milton Friedman the fish were in the room, where neither did anything out of the normal.
