Proctor And Gamble Announce 'Vicks Vapo-Lube,' Nation's Grannies Stumble

CINCINNATI, OH—Proctor & Gamble, the American multinational consumer goods corporation, recently announced the newest addition to its Vicks line of products in a stockholders’ meeting and subsequent press release.

“Vicks VapoLube is a departure from the traditional product line in that it’s not used for coughs, colds, aches, and pain like our previous Vicks products, but rather for fucking, sucking, touching, and love-making.”

Bradford Anderson, VP of Marketing at Proctor & Gamble, recently tweeted: “We don’t want Vicks to be a brand that people think of as 'the stuff you slap on your sick kid's chest.' Brands have to evolve with the times, and we want people to know that they can pleasure each other with the cooling sensations of our blend of camphor, eucalyptus oil, and menthol that we’ve been selling since 1905.”

Even though excitement for the brand has soared (Amazon pre-orders are sold out at the time of writing this article), some medical professionals have expressed concerns.

“Yeah, you shouldn’t put this stuff on your dick. And it definitely shouldn’t go inside of another human being,” said a representative from the American Academy of Dermatology. “Just spit on it and stick it in as God intended.”

Adding to the criticism, the nation’s brown and black grandmother’s expressed their severe distaste for the product, saying simply “that ain’t right, child. Not my Vicks. Please Lord, not my Vicks.”

But investors are confident in the product’s ability to sell, as Proctor & Gamble’s stock price increased by 10.1% immediately after the announcement.

Not wanting to be outdone, GOJO Industries recently announced their “Purell Antibacterial Lube” which kills 99.99% of jizz and germs, which will be available in early December with a variety of holiday scents.