Philly Bus Driver Shortage Leads To 100% Of Students Commuting By Dirt Bike, By The Sounds Of It
PHILADELPHIA, PA—The school district of Philadelphia is facing a shortage of bus drivers. The fact is, don’t nobody want to be schlepping around them bad ass kids. About 32% of Philly stabbings take place on school buses—towards the back seats. The district has offered incentive programs for new drivers such as Boom for Vroom, a program that provides free firecrackers upon hire. According to education officials, it's perfect for getting the children’s attention on the bus or tailgating an Eagles game. Go Birds!
Despite the district’s best efforts, few new drivers have been hired. This has caused twice as many students to commute by dirt bike.
Anyone who has visited Philly for even a day can attest that these young bouls be outside on the bikes heavy. “Bike Life” has been a part of Philly culture for years. It’s as integral as cheesesteaks, Rocky, and that guy who leads a drumline while dressed as Elmo. A large portion of the bikers have always been underage, but now many school-age kids are picking it up.
Jason Ramirez, a third-grader at J. Hampton Moore, stole his brother’s dirt bike to commute to school.
“Boul just left his jawn in the garage. I straight brodied that shit. I popped a wheelie in front of the schoolyard. Rebecca Harrison dropped her lunch. She was so scared. It was lit.” said Ramirez. Jason’s mom, Mary Ramirez, has no problem with her son’s mode of travel.
“At least he’s getting to school on time. That bus had him waiting in the rain for 25 minutes last year.” When asked about her son’s safety, she said: “He be aight.”
Recent collaborators and Philly natives, Meek Mill & Lil Uzi Vert, commented on the bus driver shortage. Both have been riding dirt bikes for years. Meek was spotted in a SoHo ramen shop when asked about the situation. “These oodles of noodles good as shit. I’m not even gone hold you. For real though, I’m proud of these youngins. They faced a problem head-on and made a way. That’s some Philly shit.” said Meek. Lil Uzi was in the middle of popping a wheelie on Broad Street when asked for comment.
“I didn’t hit Brittany,” he said as he zipped by.
Many Philadelphia teachers don’t mind that their students are arriving in full motocross regalia. Amy Benson, a history teacher at Samuel Fels HS, says she’s glad her students are skrt-skrting to school.
“I hope all the students start biking. They do donuts in the parking lot for the first hour of school. By the time they get to my class, they’re all tuckered out. I throw on a Crash Course Youtube video and I’m back in the burbs in no time,” she said.
Dr. William R. Hite, Superintendent of The School District of Philadelphia, released a statement on the bus shortage: “We are facing a transportation crisis. Niggas ain’t really tryna drive buses. After giving teachers a raise recently, we don’t really got the cash flow to be paying these drivers. I tried to get the National Guard to help with transport, but the white girls with ‘ACAB’ in their bios started coming for me. I offered parents cash to drive their kids to school. However, my lawyer told me that if a parent hits their kid while on school district payroll, we’re liable. So, I deaded that shit. I was deliberating with my team and we’ve decided to purchase an ATV for every bus-riding student. They will be receiving a helmet as well! This isn’t technically legal, so we keeping it on the low. Delete this email.”
