Op-Ed: If Tom Hanks Wants To Stay Relevant, He Should Get A Half Sleeve

Sometimes relevancy is skin-deep. Or however deep tattoo ink goes.

For nearly four decades, Tom Hanks has captivated audiences with his versatility, authenticity, and unfortunately, the same boring ass arms. It’s time for a change. Hanks needs a half sleeve.

I don’t mean to undermine his brilliant career and gloss over all his accolades. I just don’t get how a multidimensional actor with unidimensional biceps can still hang around Hollywood. Hanks is top dog in the trendy world of entertainment, but my boy is falling into the tattoo-less shadows of obscurity. Dude still rocks straps on his sunglasses. I also imagine he smiles at strangers and says things like “hey neighbor.” He definitely hikes his pants up and grunts every time he sits down. Hanks has won two Academy Awards and ran across the U.S. like three times—a man of this caliber needs, no, deserves, a half sleeve.

Infusing ink into the bicep or forearm of your non-dominant upper limb is dope. Just ask Machete, Snoop Dogg, Whoopi Goldberg (who has half of a half sleeve; still counts), Popeye the Sailor (who doesn’t necessarily have a half sleeve but could still steal your girl), and literally any other aging celebrity with fashionable longevity. The Rock and his tribal tat have been in 60% of all movies made in the past five years. Dennis Rodman has half sleeves all over his body and he stopped a nuclear war. How’s that for relevancy, Hanks?

Hanks needs to embrace modern artistic expression by tattooing half of his arm, and maybe grow back that nice, scraggly Castaway-day-10 beard. He could also start telling people he understood Black Thought’s new album without peeping Genius. And once he drops his mixtape on SoundCloud with a Migos feature, his relevancy will be permanent—just like a tattoo.