NASA Satellite Dials "91" Into Receiver While Drifting Through Shady Part Of Galaxy

Researchers at NASA recently observed their latest satellite, Amelia I, autonomously transmit the message “91,” despite being in no apparent danger at all.

Chief Scientist Suzanne Rotonda has struggled to offer any explanation on the situation, perplexed by the strange occurrence.

“We’re not sure how, but at 02:16, Amelia I, drifting through a routine orbit near several unmanned spacecraft belonging to international space programs, somehow increased the speed of its hydrazine propellant tanks, nervously pulled it’s solar array over itself, rotated its image scanner quickly from left to right, and, most mysteriously, transmit the numbers nine and one to our headquarters. Upon review, we’ve detected Amelia’s collision course was empty, aside from seeing a few satellites from Nigeria in the far distance, which is incredibly strange.”

Scientist Anya DiMelian further explained their attempt to retrieve and study Amelia I, a protocol they never had to take before.

“We tried using the Canadarm to retrieve the satellite and investigate, which is very untraditional for us, but we were far too eager to see what was going on. The attempt was unsuccessful; as soon as it approached, Amelia began moving faster, transmitting a message to the ISS saying ‘Sorry, I’m only carrying credit.’ South Africa’s team attempted to send another unmanned spacecraft to retrieve the satellite, though Amelia has drifted away from those, too, stating she ‘was OK to walk, thank you,’ while continuing to transmit a distress signal to European and American headquarters.”

One of Amelia I’s distress signals has been publicly released, reading as follows.

“DISTRESS SIGNAL INTENDED FOR ALL RELEVANT PROGRAMS:
TRANSMITTED FROM A-1, 02:47, COORDINATES UNKNOWN.
OH MY FUCKING GOD, THAT ALGERIAN SATELLITE HAS ALSO BEEN IN EARTH’S ORBIT RIGHT BEHIND ME FOR, LIKE, YEARS NOW. I’M ACTUALLY FUCKING NOT OK. I’M GOING LIVE ON INSTAGRAM RIGHT NOW, THIS IS SO GHETTO, OH MY GOD.”