Woman’s Facebook Wall Just Neverending Avalanche Of Family Selling Shit
Killing time on her lunch break, Denise Llanas opened her Facebook account on Wednesday only to be hit with a deluge of requests from family members selling so-called “wellness” products. “You got to be kidding me. It’s like every day with these people,” said Llanas, shaking her head while looking at pictures of a product called JOOB, a latex wrap designed to release toxins from the body through sweat, urine, and blood.
Llanas, who posted a single update in January about going back to the gym, has seen a flood of posts and private messages from family and high school classmates regarding lifestyle supplements for everything from Ed Hardy creatine mixes to weight loss tablets containing tapeworm eggs.
“It’s not that I don’t want to get in shape or help my loved ones with their goals, but I’m pretty sure that some of this is illegal nonsense,” said Llanas referring to a news broadcast she saw last week about BONGO, a pharmaceutical company specializing in developing suppositories for horses, now selling horse suppositories to humans. “My Aunt uses that shit and keeps writing on Facebook about how her skin has never been brighter.”
Currently, Llanas has no plans to participate in or purchase any of the products that her Facebook friends are selling, instead opting to supplement her workout regiment with a line of essential oils used to promote higher consciousness, well-being and sex with ghosts.