Millennial In Critical Condition After Attempting Three TikTok Dances In One Hour

CHICAGO, IL—Aging local Ashley Kyley, 33, has reportedly injured herself trying to perform several TikTok challenges in the basement of her mom’s house. She has stabilized but is still in critical condition.

“I got too confident,” said Kyley, who got her start on a popular website called Myspace. “I used to crank that Soulja Boy back in '07 and I thought to myself that nobody can top this! Now, these TikTok children are doing full ass broadway musicals while simultaneously teaching lessons about imperialism and worshipping frogs and shit.”

Kyley was trying desperately to get noticed on the app and came up with the idea to do all of the most recent challenges in one day. She locked herself in her parents' house for a week to practice those strange, exotic dances, hoping to go viral.

“I told her that I’m breaking up with her after she missed our anniversary and she told me, 'Ok Boomer,'” said Brianna Johanson, Kyley’s now ex-girlfriend. She watched hours and hours of dance challenges and practiced for days even though multiple doctors said she could die if she attempted the feat.

Her team of six ER and OR surgeons and 27-deep nursing staff have never quite seen anything like her condition. Thousands of specialists from around the globe attended a summit on the complete dismantlement of her body. The papers that have been written on her injuries will change the medical world, said many professionals.

“This incident taught me a lot,” she said from his hospital bed. “I was trying so hard to catch up but really... it’s okay that these TikTok kids are doing it better than me. My generation started this whole social media thing and it’s up to us to just encourage it and pass the torch to the next generation. I'm excited to pass the torch when I can move my limbs again in 12 to 15 years.”